forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
