I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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