you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I want her autograph on my taint
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
