All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
