I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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