The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
