They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just high enough for therapy.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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