I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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