Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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