What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My cat gives me a boner
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
