I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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