maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
