She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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