Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
