You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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