Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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