this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
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I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
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when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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