he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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