I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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