My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
