i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
