dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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