Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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