you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
