I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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