guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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