Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
