so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
