This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
