I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
