oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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