So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
