We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
