I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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