My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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