if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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