I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
