Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
