i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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