Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize