she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
