ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
