got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
