I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
