My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize