oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
