I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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