She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
