im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize