ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
