I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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