I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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