Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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