before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
