I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
