Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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